Gone

23 days after the accident.

I still can’t believe that I’ve spent 3 weeks without Vivienne and it still hurts to think that she’s gone.

The memories come back to me, piece by piece. I write them down so my scattered brain can take the time to remember my last moments with her.

I think I’ve collected each memory, now. I’ve written them down in what I think is chronological order. I can’t tell what’s real and what’s fake these days.

Here they are:

Joking about the way Vivi imitated our dad

Laughing so hard we couldn’t stand up

Watching her cross the road, hearing her yelling for me to hurry up

Noticing the sound of the motor – why didn’t Vivi notice? She was so observant. 

Turning to watch the car approach.

Trying to warn her

Vivi mimicking my worried tone, oblivious

Stepping onto the road to push her out of the way

 Vivi finally noticing the car, mouthing something – I’m still not sure if I imagined that

Running to push Vivi out of the way

Vivi pushing me instead, putting herself in directly front of the car

Pain.

Darkness.

Darkness.

Darkness.

Light.

But it might as well be darkness forever because she’s gone and I’m not sure how to go on.  

Everyone tells me “You’ll get through this.” or “Vivienne is still with us, in our hearts.” but even if she is, does that make a difference? I’m still never going to laugh with her again, never going to have another heartwarming yet hilarious conversation with her. Never going to have another secret midnight feast where I do all the work and she just snacks. And, I’m never going to cry with her or calm her down after a hard day, and that’s what hurts the most. 

When Vivi pushed me away, my head hit the road hard and I had a concussion. Vivi was run over. I would trade places with her in a heartbeat if it means I won’t have to live in a world without her. 

Now my thoughts are getting more scattered. I’m going to take a break and try to recollect my thoughts and write more tomorrow. 

 

These stories were written in our Factory Feedback program, which was created with, and generously supported by, the Dusseldorp Forum.