I Am

By Eman

I am the playground I grew up in

I am the warm smell of bread from a passing factory

I am strappy stiletto heels

I am warm dumplings on a cold night

I am the missing shades of grey in close strangers

I am the sound of loud cooking on an early morning

I am underwater silence in a cold ocean

I am connection and disconnection

Optimism engulfed in pessimism

Silence is the absence of sound, thought, emotion and chaos. It is calmness and serenity. Silence is an unattainable peace of environment, mind and soul. Silence is everything.

The concept of peace is terrifying, An unreachable balance to the constant chaos of the world. I have yet to find peace. Even as a child it has always escaped me. The peace of my environment was always partnered with the war of my mind, constantly running, racing to analyse the nuances of my life. Similarly, a chaotic environment was always matched with a numb, pounding mind. Even in sleep, I am restless, constantly tossing and turning, waking and sleeping, a constant battle between fantasy and reality that never fails to leave me shaking. I am sure that peace will only join me in death.

Even then,  I am skeptical.

Growing up, social etiquette has constantly evaded me. My mind always moved too fast for my mouth to keep up and when it finally did, I wished I remained silent. And so, by the time I finally made some friends, I had already learnt that the only way to keep then, was to remain silent. My silence was what led me to become a passive, naive door mat throughout my childhood. Silence was my enemy. The chaos of my mind which fought stubbornly with the silence of my character enraged me. Growing up, I hated the silence. I am astounded it has taken me this long to realise I crave it.

Someone you were in the past

-Annoying

– Naïve

– Enthusiastic

– Hardworking

– Empathetic

At my old school, I was a complete pushover and was so annoying and overly optimistic. I used to do everything for everyone and did not care for myself. I never felt fully content, always second guessed everything and was always walking on eggshells around everyone. 

Something that you value in the present

In the present, I am a lot more comfortable and able to speak my mind. I like how the people around me respond to me. I am so happy I can work and get out of the house. I am happy I have strong friends who have taught me to value myself and the way I let people treat me. I really value my headphones and music and my pillow. I am thankful for my sleep and sunrises and early mornings. I am thankful for my room and space and my voice.

Something that will never change

Some of the most important things to me that have lasted are:

• My music
• Reading
• My intelligence
• My strength

The thing that’s most important to me however is silence. I enjoy the quiet and peace and calm. I enjoy having absolutely nothing and no one relying on me by myself. I also enjoy the chaos so long as I’m not directly affected. Something that will never change is my love for music and silence. “