I Am

I am a primary playground where no one liked me 

I am washing powder

I am this long sleeved striped shirt

I am pani puri from Harris Park

I am the moment when we both looked at each other

Cause “what did she just say”. 

I am the highlight at the corner of someone’s eyes. 

I am a friends laugh

I am my wooly fluffy blanket

I am collected and orthodox 

 

Leather jackets on rainy days, cotton dresses on hot days. My previous friendships was a leather jacket shedded for a cotton dress. Raw skin, sweating, foreign feeling, a death sentence. Books were stiff  and cold in a dusty empty library, books now passed between warm hands. I have friends now, but sometimes the dress breaks, constraints, presses down too tight. Did I make a mistake? Returning to books and silent leather jackets. Our environment is overwhelming; when I feel confused about something, I write until I become a person on paper, who’s trustworthy. I want to be earnest, even if it’s embarrassing, but I’ll admit that I’m not sure this inquiry is even productive. Bombarded constantly with what to think and feel instead of trusting what is.

 

This feels like a dependency breathing the air in my lungs, supplying oxygen.

It’s beyond me

I am weeping

I’m letting go of cynicism, 

Look away and you’ll miss it.

Growth, change

 

Books and friends change– they will stay with me forever. 

Books were cold, silent now they’re warm,

Passed down by numerous hands.

What do plants need to thrive? 

Earth. 

Books,

sturdy cover, a back, a front, numbers that never, pages that never change.

Books are as stable as soil.

Friends are fluid – water – change. Sometimes frigid ice, sometimes cold water.

The world has survived this long — sun, water and earth.

Maybe I have as well.

 

Someone you were in the past

She was kind of annoying. I don’t know why she wanted to be my friend, I doubt even know.

How we met, why and how did we meet ? Why did we? I didn’t have friends, so fitting into new friendship was like shedding leather skin and trusting yourself to fit into a cotton dress on hot day. My skin was raw and the natural fabric of the friendship felt like death sentences.

“Look I have a friend now, look I am not alone, people do like it !!!

I don’t know why I treated her that meanly, maybe because leathers always been cold. That what I thought friendship was. I wasn’t the easiest to stand. I am still not, but I pushed the limits of friendship, how do you stand a cotton dress in the heat ?

I was insecure and sweating  and how could she be friends with someone else? You can share.

I am better with friends.

 

 

Something that you value in the present 

I love books.

With books you are able to leave the world you are in right now.

When I was in Primary, silence was the most common sound.

Reading books in the library was an escape, but it did help.

Being lost in a book distracted me from the fact that they wanted to talk to me to fill the silence. But now I read just to read, because I enjoy it not because I am trying to distract myself.

Before finishing a big book was an achievement, it still is but no one cares.

Know people listen, they care even about the most mundane things, they love my interests.

 

Now we give and talk, but never more. I owe my friend kindness, generosity, and kindness, it feels like a hug, like Sunsets and Sunrises.

It’s dark, you think it wouldn’t come but it does without a doubt.

 

 

Something that will never change

Books have always been with me. So probably my love of reading, that won’t even go away.

The sun will always rise, set and nurture its children, embracing  them in golden silk curtains.