The Secret Life of Furniture by Hugo
TEL (TEL LEE) - the television
REM - the remote
SOPH FUR - the sofa
TRANS SISTER – Nerdy Vietnamese Female Inventor
STEW PID (TV BROADCASTER) - Voiceover
MUM – voiceover
DAD (KENNETH) – voiceover
KID 1 - voiceover
KID 2 – voice over
A lounge Room in a family home
TEL, REM and SOPH FUR are scattered around the stage
Hey Soph, did you see the sports channel last night? Football was so close, basketball was tense, and gymnastics made me FLIP! What did you think?
Oh, and did you catch that ad for “Harold’s Hot Dogs?” ‘Duh duh duh! Harold’s hot dogs… we’re on a ROLL!’ Whup! Ha ha!
I don’t get it?
(To the audience) She NEVER gets my jokes. NO wonder she was on sale when the people bought her… but then again, what did we really expect from a flat-pack sofa? Those people sure can be clueless sometimes, like when they bought that lamp, what an idiot!
Right you lot, let’s get moving! The people are gonna be down here soon and they want to see WACKY WEATHER! TEL!
TEL displays static
OH CUT THAT OUT!
Eat static, Rotten Rem!
Don’t call me Rotten Rem! My name is Rem - look out! The people are coming!
REM appears to be grabbed. Then Channel changing noises can be heard. Finally REM seems to be tossed on to SOPH.
(Broadcaster voice over) This is Stew Pid, and this morning on Weird World News, the world’s only reliable news, we bring you a sensational story- SURVIVORS FOUND ON BOARD THE TITANIC!
Wow! Listen to that, kids!
KID 1 & KID 2
Wait till we tell our history teacher!
TV is broadcasting Weekly World News now. Scene of ‘Titanic Survivors Found On Board!’ is on. TEL is horrified when the family believe it.
PLEASE! YOU NEED TO STOP WATCHING THIS! IT’S MELTING YOUR MINDS!
Kenneth! Did you say something? Oh now I can’t hear anything but static!
He he! Well, it’s a bit late to “change” things now! Bwa ha ha!
Clock or hourglass to indicate time is passing. Tick tock sound.
No. We’d better throw out this TV anyway-it’s obviously faulty!
Yeah, we’ll get that mind games-sorry “Headtrix TV”.
Yeah, Cornelius ginko, my worst enemy has a 25 inch TV. We’ll get that 90 inch Headtrix one for only $150!
We’ll go to “Headtrix Are Us” first thing in the morning.
Oh it’s Monday tomorrow!
Oh, who cares about school! There’s a new TV at stake here- we’ve gotta get that new one before that Ginko enemy of yours does!
(Snapping fingers & singing) Headtrix jingle.
TEL and REM appear to be thrown across the stage and land near TRANS SISTER.
Where am I? THE BACK ALLEYWAY?! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT TEL!
How is it MY fault?
I don’t know, but nothing is my fault. And why am I right next to the bins? I cannot work under these conditions!
Be quiet, Rotten Rem. Your great puddin’ of an on button should stay put for once!
Why you – look out! There’s someone already here!
Wow, what have we here?
(whispers) Is this is the part where we blow up!?
Ha ha! Not today!
Wait, you can understand us? I’m Tel.
Yep! I have a brother Trans and I’m Trans Sister. Now, if it’s okay with you, I’d like to do some experiments…
Stop! I forbid you!
Shhh…Rem…maybe we can get some help…?
Shut it, Rem you control-freak! Now, Tel, what would you like most in the world?
My own voice, please! One that all can hear!
Very well. Then I’ll give you the power of speech. To do that, I’ll need the assistance of Rem here.
Wh-what are you doing? Unhand me at once, human!
There’s a flash. Rem disappears. Beat. Then from behind TRANS SISTER emerges ANNE TENOR
Tel, I’d like to introduce you! Whenever you wish to say something, you need only to say it through your antenna, the aptly named Anne Tenor and it will be repeated by the stereo that I built from Rem’s parts!
Delighted to make your acquaintance!
ANNE TENOR bows
Grand! Hi Anne, I’m Tel Lee Vision, but you can call me Tel.
And, Anne Tenor will be amplified by the stereo - which I’ve also acquired for you-
STARE-EE-OH steps out from the other side of TRANS SISTER.
Thank you so much! Welcome…wait what should I call this stereo?
Hmm, well he kind of looks like he’s looking at us…?
Oh, I know!
ALL (The characters)
Photo credit Flickr by Chris