Diary Entry #223

By Shafeeya, Year 10

Written as part of Art Write Light

It’s been five months since my first gig, where I met the one and only
JONATHAN SOUL! To this day I’m still overjoyed and in disbelief that that
day actually happened. After inviting me to his company for an audition, I was
hired as a singer/songwriter, and my official debut is tomorrow! I have a stage
name – Gloxx – and an outfit and everything! Sometimes Jonathan comes and
helps me work, he’s definitely a mentor of mine.
I discovered that the woman that helped me at my lowest five
months ago works with Andre at Gleeson’s Event Management. Her name
is Camille, and I’ve been meeting with her and Andre often to thank them
for the opportunity and in general just become friends. Camille’s great: kind,
loving, helpful, a real bestie. Andre I’m still figuring out – why he had the
drugs that night, what job he had to do, the type of person he is. He’s fine to
talk to and is committed to what he does, and he’ll hear everything you say
about your life, but he’ll never open up about himself. That is, of course, okay.
Everything seems near perfect compared to where I was five months
ago, on the verge of ending my life, and almost everything seems as though
it’s falling into place. Almost everything. Yeah the bills are paid and my
apartment is clean and I have a well-paying job, but I can’t help but wonder if
this is all there is to life. I know it makes me sound ungrateful and selfish and
I know I should be appreciative of every little blessing in my life, but I feel so
out of touch with everything. I thought that if I had a dream and I achieved
it, there’d be no more questions and I’d have nailed it.
Yet it seems almost the contrary, and there are still so many
unanswered questions in my life. Is this all I was made for? Sometimes I hate
myself for feeling like this and I ignore every thought like this and instead just
practice gratefulness. However these questions and thoughts never leave. I’m
so confused, I don’t know what to do, I just hope that everything falls into
place.